hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
