Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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