I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i think i just lost a toe
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
