Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
