I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
