I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
