Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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