Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
