So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
