I wish I only lived at night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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