just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
