I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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