remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I AM VODKA MAN
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
