On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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