y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
