I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
