She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
