cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
