after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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