i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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