Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
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And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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