Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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