Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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