so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
