come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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