it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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