apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
