Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
