Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
