Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Soap is not a condiment
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
