apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
