Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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