He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
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I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
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I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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