I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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