I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
