Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
