i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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