Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
