I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
