Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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