I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
