Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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