"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
