he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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