Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
