I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
