My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
