You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
