The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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