one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
