love makes seman taste better
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
