You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
