Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
