Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
