FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i've created a new STD.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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