don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
