i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
