Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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